YAWPING from the depths of my soul

I went to the beach yesterday.  It was the first time without having either of the dogs with me.  My feeling of melancholoy and sadness was palpable as I walked across the exapnse of sand to the waters edge.  The images of Jersey running in the bay, eating goose poop and jellyfish, bounding through the woods and standing like a sentinel at the end of the jetty ran through  my mind like an endless loop of film.

Before I knew it and almost without realization, I found myself at the near end of the jetty contemplating the rocky walk to its end.

Jersey loves to run along the top of it, stopping now and again to stick her head between the rocks to explore an interesting smell or try to get at a crab stranded by the high tide.

I walked until there was no where else to walk, contemplating all that had happened and was struck by an ovewhelming sense of anger.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I cried at the blue sky. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?  WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LETTING THIS HAPPEN?"  The only response was the rumble of traffic coming from the nearby Chesapeake Bay Bridge.  "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE HER THE BEAUTY AND SPIRIT OF WHO SHE IS AND NOW YOU'RE ALLOWING IT TO BE TAKEN AWAY? WHAT THE FUCK?!"

There's no bargaining with God.  There's no deals to be cut, there's no convincing.  There's only the the realization that there is nothing humanly possible to be done in an impossible situation.

My momentary yawp was done.  The only thing left was anger.  "I don't even know if you hear me or pay attention to anything happening to us.  Your ambivalence does nothing but breed confusion. What the fuck are you doing? I'm doing my part, now it's time for you to step up to the plate.  I'll tell you what, since you're not fucking telling me what you'll do, this is what I'm gonna do:  I'm going to love her, I'm going to encourage her, I'm going to support her, I'm going to keep helping her whether you do or not. You fucking do what you will but that's what I'm going to do. You silent coward motherfucker, you make it specifcally clear that you hear me. Now do something about it!"

I railed at God and the universe and whatever else may have there until I had nothing left.

I was angry as I walked back down the beach to the car.  None of what was happening made any sense whatsoever. As far as I could tell there was no rhyme, reason or purpose to what Jersey was going through.

None of this is within my control.  I'm convinced I've done everything humanly possible to help her: she's got a great diet, she's got comfortable beds all over the house, she gets carried up and down the stairs so she can get out for a pee, she's got unconditional love.

Now, it's out of my hands. There's nothing left for me to hang onto except the hope that I was heard and all my yawping weren't wasted words.  I guess there are always miracles and I'm open to one now.