It's been two years since I said goodbye. It was so hard for me on that day. My heart broke and my life was shattered.
Somehow though, I healed. I'll never understand what happened but I have come to accept it. I've had no choice. Day by day the tears I cried got less and less until I was left with an ache that seemed never to dissipate. That was the grief.
Eventually the ache, too, subsided. My life had to move on and it did. Only it was with you in spirit next to me.
I dreamed of you. I dreamed I released you. I dreamed I saw you playing with a passle and pack of dog friends. You looked up from the middle of the scrum and saw me. We locked eyes. You wagged your tail, I knew you were alright.
I felt you in back of me looking through the screen door. It was early in the morning. I was at the computer and I suddenly knew you were there. I turned, I saw you out of the corner of my eye. You were checking on me.
I took Tellie and Skylar for a walk by the pond and we saw one of the ducks. Imagine my surprise when I realized that in the yellow of his beak in contrast to green of his head was your face. I believe you were there and you were saying hello. I especially believed it was you because of his persistent "quack QUACK! quack QUACK! quack QUACK!" He only stopped when I stopped walking and said hello back. He looked at us, tilted his head in a satisfied way as if he was glad he caught my attention, fluffed his wings and swam on. We walked on. I felt comfort. You had come for a visit. I saw you.
I believe that when that Cardinal keeps showing up in the backyard, it's you. I believe when Tellie, Skylar and I walk on the path, through the woods and the Cardinal follows along, it's you coming with us. I believe when the Cardinal is sitting in the tree looking at the house for minutes at a time, it's you.
Your all time, without a doubt favorite place in the world was in Colorado at the Cherry Creek Dog Park. This was your doggy Disney Land. How you loved it there...We spent so much time in the back of beyond. There were so many paths to choose from. One way would take us to the creek, one way would take us to the marsh, one would take us to the horses, one would take us to the river. You always picked. And it was always perfect.
This was your place. This is where you were home.
I'm going to take you back there someday. When the time is right, I'm going to revisit this place and really let you free to run. This is where I'll find you again. This is where we'll meet and we'll rejoice and we'll get lost, together.
Momma misses you. She thinks about you and her heart misses you. We share stories and our memories makes us smile. We talk about when you were a puppy and tried to jump over the gate in the fence around the house in Santa Fe. We talk about taking you out at 3 o'clock in the morning so you could pee. You would sit in the middle of the yard on the rocks under the brilliant night sky, the moonlight shining down on your fuzzy head. We would see your puppy legs akimbo as you taunted us to play.
Tellie misses you. You taught her how to be a dog, just as she has taught Skylar. Skylar would have loved you. We tell her about you and I think somehow she understands though she'll never really know the joy of knowing you.
It's snowing now. The weather is dingy, the sky is grey. We are alone, we are together. These two years since you've been gone, you have been missed. I know you have never been far away and I cannot and will not ever forget you.
Thank you for choosing me. I chose you, too.
Well my girl, I better go now. We've got stuff to do and dogs to walk and breakfast to eat. I just wanted to write to tell you I love you and think of you every day. I know you're doing well and having a lot of fun with all your friends.
Be good and play in peace my Jersey.