Monday, June 24, 2013

Squeals of delight

Jersey and I used to love to hike and walk.  We would go almost anywhere at anytime to explore, run, poke around and just "be." We had our favorite places and spots; some hidden and private, some not so private.  It didn't matter.  What mattered was being outside.

I'm sorry that when we lived in Colorado we never expanded our area wider than Cherry Creek Dog Park.  We never went up to the mountains, we never went to the prairies.  We spent most of our time in and around the area of where we lived in Aurora.  As limited as it may sound, we never wanted for new experiences, new sights and smells.

The development we lived in was fairly large and kept expanding.  Jersey and I must have explored every inch of it and as much of the surrounding farmland and forest as possible.  There were walking trails both paved and unpaved.  There were streams, there were prairie dog holes, there were pine trees and there were some wide open spaces.  Jersey never seemed to mind that we were within a couple miles of our house, I like to think she was just happy being with me as we wandered outside.

In an earlier post I mentioned bushwacking at Cherry Creek Dog Park.  This was another place we loved to go and get out of our minds splashing through the river and running unbound through wheat fields. We always managed to get out to the "Back of Beyond" and to places where there would be no other people.  We would have these unexplored worlds to ourselves.

After we moved to Maryland it was key for me to find places we could go and run and explore.  I discovered  the Maryland State Park system. I bought our first season pass a couple of years and began looking for those places we could call our own. One of those was Patapsco State Park.

This park is huge and stretches for miles through multiple counties.  There were thick forests, hills, unmarked paths and best of all, no people in those places we would choose to go.  One of those places was a picnic area which was off the beaten path where a trail led from the parking lot and stopped at the edge of a creek.

This was our secret place.  One could wander up the creek bed, exploring the pools which were filled by the clear running stream.  There were rocks to climb over and crawl under.  There was a steep embankement covered with wet leaves, mud holes, fallen trees and boulders. There was a glade to climb up which eventually dumped out to a wide swath running underneath high tension wires. Best of all, there were deer to chase.

Jersey would bolt after deer she would see.  I would never spot them because they blended into the background so well.  Jersey would first smell their scent on the air.  She would stop and stick her nose up into the breeze, her tail wagging faster and faster.  She would frantically start looking around while starting to squeal in anticipation of the coming chase.  When she zeroed in on where they might be standing, she would take off like she was exploding from a cannon.  The deer would bound away.  With each leap they would pull further and further away from her.  She would run even faster until she disappeared from sight.  I never worried though.  I could hear her yelps as she crashed through the underbrush while she charged after them, further and further away from me.

There would be no use chasing after her.  It would have been a futile.  No amount of yelling her name or shouting "JERSEY, GET BACK HERE."  would dissuade her from her task.

The only thing I could do was sit down and wait.  I might whistle out loud, letting her get her bearings so she could follow the sound and know which direction to go.  She always come back and she never got lost.  Eventually she would appear through the trees looking extremely happy and pleased with her self.  She would dance around, happily expressing her delight in the chase and how she almost caught them.  I'd smile and shake my head and turn around to make our way back to the car. She'd always fall asleep on the way home, a happy smile on her face as I wondered what she would have done if she had caught up to a deer.

Today it's been months since we explored a stream bed. I've still got a current park pass which is hanging from the rearview mirror of my Jeep. I long to keep hiking and exploring but I haven't been able to do it without Jersey or return to any of those places we ran free.  Tellie is too little to explore uncharted territory by herself without Jersey to lead her and Skylar is way to young for being let off leash unsupervised in a forest with deer and other critters.

I guess Jersey's now got endless forests to run through and herds of deer to run after though I know she'll still never catch one. For her, it has always been and I'm sure continues to be about the chase. That's her doggy heaven.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

An oft used cliche

I feel Jersey moving further and further away from me.  It's not necessarily a bad thing though, I don't think. It's just that through the passage of time, life seems to be moving on.  I'm getting caught up in the mundane routines, details and activities associated with living day to day. It's not spectacular, there's nothing wonderful going on. It's just that bathrooms still need to be cleaned, dishes still need to be washed, food shopping still has to be done; worst of all, the lawn still has to be cut.

These are mundane tasks and require concentration to attend to them Yes, there are still things and thoughts I encounter on a daily basis which remind me of her and only magnify how much I miss her but there are other considerations, too. We've got a new puppy to care for; there are tasks at work which require attention; a lot of activities which call for being present in the here and now.

The body and mind have a tremendous capacity to heal them selves  I believe grief is an automatic response to a loss.  I also believe the healing of the wound is also automatic.  Just as there is not really anything to be done to lessen the feelings of loss, there is nothing to be done to move into healing.  It just natuarally happens.

I miss Jersey but ever advancing time is pushing me on, pushing me forward. I am being healed in spite of myself.  I really don't like the sense of loss and feeling broken apart, it's very uncomfortable.  With time though those feelings are dissapating and being replaced with the feeling that life is returning to normal.  Granted it's a new normal.  Life will never return to the way it used to be.  How can it?  Jersey is gone. However, a new normal is taking over and I'm beginning to fall into new patterns. routines and a new way of living life. Time is making it happen and it has nothing to do with me and it's beyond my control.  Time really does heal all wounds.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Chesapeake Bay smells and sea breezes

A couple of weeks ago we took Skylar and Tellie to Quiet Waters Dog Park in Annapolis.  It was Skylar's first visit and her head almost exploded with all the puppies she was able to play with.  She ran after dogs, knocking them over with one swat of her baseball mit sized paw.  Conversely, she was chased around and around until she tripped over her own legs and somersaulted head first onto her back, only to have her belly pounced on by her new found friend.  Tellie, who can't usually be bothered by other dogs, got so caught up in the action she danced in delight with her tail wagging like a metronome as she sniffed the butts of of similar sized smaller pups.

Yesterday, after another round of rough and tumble, Alexa and I walked them down the path to the bulkhead on the Chesapeake Bay at the furthest edge of the park.  Skylar had never seen water before and was mesmerized by not only the wide expanse but the sound of the lap, lap, lap against the pier.  Most of all she was taken by all the smells coming off the water as they were carried on the ever blowing sea breeze..  Supposedly, a dogs sense of smell is 400 times greater than a humans in which case Skylar's limited life experience was increased a thousand fold. I'm sure the smell of fish, the brackish water, the sea spray and the other things that collect along the shore was probably similar to what it's like for us as we watch a Technicolor movie for the first time when life bursts forth in all it's spectacular hues and shades.

Besides letting Skylar take all this in for the first time, it was also the first time making this familiar journey without Jersey. We had spent many hours watching the boats bounce across the water and the sea gulls dive bombing for small fish swimmng too close to the surface.  I could picture Jersey sitting next to me with her nose twitching in the air, catching the various smells floating across the Bay. Her absense was palbable even though I was watching Skylar to make sure she wouldn't charge into the water, chasing an errant crab or picking up an oyster shell.

Each first visit to a place I spent time with Jersey is hard.  Going to them with Alexa, Tellie and Skylar makes it easier but it doesn't soothe the realization the Jersey is not with us.  I do know that the first trip anywhere without her is going to be the hardest.  I also know that subsequent visits will be easier and easier as I adjust to life without her, especially when I'm joined byAlexa, Tellie and Skylar as we revisit those places that hold strong associations with my Jersey.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Doggy Disneyland

Back when I started this blog I shared about how much Jersey lovd Cherry Creek Dog Park in Aurora, Colorado.  I shared about how big and wide open it is; I shared about the stream running through the middle of it; I shared about bushwacking with Jersey out in the back of beyond.  Well, I found a few pictures of some of our many trips to this "Doggy Disneyland."  They don't really do justice to the width and breadth of the place.  Suffice to say that for Jersey it was Heaven on Earth.  Though there were some major league hard things going on in my life at the time, being with here with Jersey allowed me to put things in perspective.  Our daily journeys to this magical place were calming and peaceful.  It was a place that truly allowed us to bond.  Truthfully, it had become Heaven on Earth for me.

Today, I know Jersey is in Heaven and it fills my heart knowing that I got to share it with her.


Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Windows and toilet paper

Jersey loved going on adventures.  Whether it was a trip to the dog park or a trip to the beach or on a hike along the riverbed, she would be the first one in the car.  She loved to go anywhere in the car.  She knew it would lead to an exciting place where she could be off leash and explore to her heart's content.  She even loved to go with me to the store if I had to.  Even though it wasn't that far and we would only be gone for a few minutes, she'd be wriggling and waggling hoping to be invited along.  We'd pull into a parking space and I'd tell her I'd be right back.  Most times, another car would have pulled into an adjacent parking spot and she'd start barking that loud, scary bark that told people to stay away and don't even think about coming close to the car.  She'd be telling people "this car is mine and mine alone."  I'd be walking away from the car, knowing I could have left the doors unlocked and the keys in the ignition with the motor running and wallet on the dashboard and the car would still be there when I came back.

When I would come back from running my errand, she would always be sitting in the driver seat, her head visible above the steering wheel, getting ready to throw the car into gear and drive away.  She'd always pliantly move out of the seat when I would get back.  The windows would be slobbered up, nose prints and spit left behind where should would have been looking out.  There where even a couple of times I could clearly see the outline of her face left behind.  It looked like a miracle image similar to the one imprinted on the Shroud of Turin.  It was obvious she had been pressing her face against the window, looking for me to come back so we could move onto our next adventure.

She also had an independent streak.  She'd prefer to be left alone when we where home.  When we would watch TV in the evenings, she would spend time on the couch looking at us, her eyes half drooping closed as she thought about falling asleep.  There would come a point though when she would get up, shake and leave the room to go upstairs and flop on the bed in the guest room.  There were various places around the house she had claimed as her ownn, where she couldn't be bothered by either Tellie or Alexa or I.  One of these places was the guest bathroom.

If Alexa and I had to go out would briefly show interest asking where we were going or what we were going to do. When she realized she wouldn't be coming with us, she would turn away and pad off to one of her favorite spots, looking for all the world as if she couldn't care less if we came back or not.

It became a regular practice when we would come back that Tellie would be waiting at the door for us, ready to say "Hello!! Where have you been?  I wasn't sure if you were coming back!"

Most times, Jersey wouldn't be with her.  We'd have to go from room to room to try and find her.  We'd be left scratching our heads when there wouldn't be a trace her anywhere.  Anywhere.  It was like she disappeared.

We'd be thinking "What the heck? Where the hell is she?" It would be then we'd notice the door to the guest bathroom was closed.

It was probably mounted on its hinges crooked because the door would close by itself if it had been left open.  It wouldn't latch unless there was a wind blowing through the window which would slam it shut.  From the inside though, if you were a dog and didn't have opposable thumbs to turn the doorknob, one wouldn't be able to open the door.

Nine times out of ten we would find her sitting on the bathroom floor, behind the closed door in the dark, patiently waiting for someone to realize where she was and let her out.  She would have wandered in looking for some toilet paper or to sniff around the base of the toilet. (Dogs are known for doing disgusting things.) She never scratched up the door, frantically trying to get out, she never destroyed the walls trying to dig a hole in an effort to get free. She knew that eventually someone would open the door.  She would always get up and walk out as if she didn't have a care in the world or look bothered that she may have been shut up in a bathroom for up to a couple of hours at a time.

She always did her own thing in her own way. She was sure that the door would always be opened and that it would shortly be time to ride in the car or get stuck in the bathroom once again.