There is a walking/bicycle path that runs from BWI Airport, 30 miles south to Annapolis. Just south of the airport, at the end of one of the runways is an observation area where people can park their cars and watch the airplanes take-off and land. It is also a place where one can access the path and walk in either direction. It was a place we had taken Jersey and Tellie a few times. I had always been tempted to let Jersey off leash and blast across the open field where the huge bank of runway lights and the inner marker airport direction doo-dad is. It's clearly marked "No Trespassing." There's a fine of some ungodly amount imposed by the FAA if one is caught putting a toe across the line. I'm convinced there are cameras mounted in the trees watching your every move, making sure you don't violate the space. If I hadn't been so afraid I would be vaporized by some airport laser beam or fried on some electric invisible fence, I would have let her run.
This past weekend Alexa and I took Tellie for a walk on the path. It was kind of bitter sweet, walking along, tracing the steps Jersey used to walk; Tellie sniffing the same, familiar smells but missing her sister who would point out the trees, tufts of grass and pile of leaves to investigate.
As we walked, Alexa and I got to talking about how we each were experiencing the grieving process. As we walked and talked I realized I had arrived at a moment of realization. It was one of thopse "light bulb" moments. I had come to the point where I learned that some things, some events are just unexplainable. Jersey's death is one of those events. No matter how much I try, how much I ask for answers, how many times I revisit events and wonder what else I could have done to help her, I am never, ever going to understand why what happened, happened. It was a quiet moment of acceptance which brought with it some feeling of finality. The light bulb moment though was being OK with not understanding. Maybe OK isn't the proper word but I was able to accept it and not be so desperate to comprehend what happened.
Our discussion moved to something deeper as I began to understand that my feelings of grief and anguish at her passing are indeed part of the human experience; they are not to be viewed as negative or with a bad connotation. Those feelings, any feelings just are. The words describing them are words that have the meanings we attach to them. In this case, if I allow the fear attached to the word "grief" to dissapate and simply allow myself to experience it for what it is, it sort of becomes bearable. The one thing I said that helped me "get it" was that there is a difference between thinking "grief sucks" and "this grief sucks" I wish I didn't have to go through the grieving process, it's painful and it truly sucks. However, grief in itself isn't a bad thing. It's a human emotion that we all experience at one time or another.
None of this probably makes any sense. The only thing I know is that I understand I will never understand and that grief is part of my experience at this time.
Maybe I shouldn't try to explain the unexplainable. It made sense to me and I feel I'm better able to accept what I'm going through. As a result, my grief is a little more bearable.
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