A dying candle

A couple of months ago I wrote about the candle I have in the window of Jersey's room and that I spend some time talking to her each night as I contemplate the flickering light.  It's one of those battery operated electric candles that actually has a timer and will flip on at the same time every evening and turn itself off sometime after midnight. It reflects in the window glass and casts a soft glow in the room.  It's comforting to me, being in that light.  It seems to dance around on the walls as it shimmers, winking and blinking, appearing to be blown about in a gentle breeze.

I finish my daily silent conversation telling her that her light shines in the darkness and out the window so anyone passing by can see how beautiful she was.  I also tell her I'll leave the light burning so she can always see where we are.

I noticed last night that the flame has gotten very, very weak.  It is nowhere near as bright as it first was when it was lit four months ago. It is getting dimmer and dimmer and is barely strong enough to shine.  I doubt it can even be seen from the street. The batteries are running low and will evenutally run out of juice while they work to keep the light burning.  I could replace the batteries or I could get a new candle.  I'm also thinking about just letting it extinguish.

I'm sort of wary of letting the room go dark and not having her flame burn. It will be almost a tangible sign that she is really gone and that it's time to move on.  I don't know if I'm ready to let her go.  On the other hand, I don't want to get stuck in a constant state of missing her and remain in an overwhelming sense of loss.  I tell myself that it's only been four months and that I have to allow myself to move through the grief process naturally and on its own pace.  Maybe the candle burning down to the point of not being lit anymore is now gently telling me it's time.  Time to begin to let go.

I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I can.  Maybe I'll just get another candle and replace the one which is now dying. Or maybe, just maybe, I'll shut the door when the candle finally does go dark.  Jersey knows where we are and people can still see how beautiful she is.  This blog can show them, my stories can show them, our pictures can show them.  She's never going to be gone from my heart or far away from my thoughts.  Maybe it is time to let the candle go out.