More honesty

I don't think I'm dealing with my loss very well.  The house still feels empty though it is full of life. Puppy Skylar and Tellie wrestle and play; I wrestle and play with them.  The sound of their growling and Skylar's barking as they knock each other over is something I would usually love to hear. The "crunch, crunch, crunch" of a Skylar eating, can almost be like music. Watching Tellie gnaw on one of her bones and seeing Skylar chew on an old sneaker generally puts a smile on my face.  However, all this just seems to magnify my loss.

I can't help but think Jersey would be the ring leader of all these shenanigans.  She would be the one running the show.  She'd be the one teaching puppy how to be a dog.  She'd be the one serenly overseeing the mayhem from her spot on the couch, she'd be the one Tellie and Skylar would be climbing over when they nipped at her feet and got in her face.  She would be rolling over on her back, legs akimbo, letting them jump on her and grab at the thick fur under her neck.  I can see her smiling as they played with her and she swatted back.

These are the things I think about.  Instead of feeling joy at the sight and sound of two active dogs living lives of puppy contentment, I end up melancholy at the thought Jersey will never be taking part in any of this action. I keenly feel her absence. My life keeps moving ahead but it only means I'm getting further and further away from when she was here. It is an awful feeling, one I keep trying to shake off.  I'm doing my best to move on, I'm doing my best to let it go, I'm doing my best to change my perspective but I'm not being too successful at it. It's hard to move on when I'm overwhelmed by the distance of forever.